I’m writting this post from the cafe at my gym – my hair is blown dry, my face is moisturized having just had a steam in the steam room and I slathered it with creams. I sit here, relishing in this moment of feeling like a normal human being – (slightly) put together and decent. I come here not necessarily to work out – although I do – working out is a way to zone out for a bit, burn off some steam, and then I enjoy the luxury of the time of being able to shower, steam and blow dry my hair after dropping Oscar off at school in the morning.
Mornings are different these days. I’m gently coaxing Oscar out the door (ok, sometimes dragging him as he’s not a morning person) about an hour earlier while the sun is still rising and my hair is thrown up in a messy top knot and my eyes still blurry from the night. I’m not a morning person either. This year the mornings have started earlier, as we’ve switched Oscar to a new school.
I’ve eluded to the new school, but haven’t really explained it. There really isn’t a huge story, but basically last year my instincts were telling me something wasn’t working at our local school. The class sizes were huge. He didn’t want to go every. single. morning. For 1.5 years it wasn’t clear what was going on. Should I be doing “tough love” and pushing him into class, which seemed to upset him and make it worse? It didn’t feel right. Every morning the teacher would pull him into the door. As time went on, it dawned on me that it wasn’t Oscar that should be changing, we should be changing schools. The school wasn’t good for Oscar. So, we researched schools, found one we loved, and enrolled Oscar. Oscar has become a different kid when it comes to school. He tells me about “best friends”, he learns cool stuff, he’s confident in telling me about his day and plus, his teacher is AMAZING. Oscar is a totally happy kid now. So it goes to show you – sometimes your kid just needs a different environment to thrive. Schools aren’t one size fits all, which unfortunately is the way that it’s designed.
Being a Mom, you try to absorb all the stresses and anxieties that your little ones have, to rid them of that feeling – you want to be the rock, the stable one, so that they know you have their back and that they can run wild and you’re there in the background if they should need you. I try to do that for Oscar, especially in the mornings for the last few months, in order for him to feel happy and calm going into class. But a few weeks ago Aubrey got a ticket on the way to school (ugh), so we were running late, I was thrown off my game and I snapped at Oscar as we were getting out of the car and he was tearful getting into class. I broke my calm-cool-demeanor and got angry when he didn’t deserve it. I got him into class, but I burst into tears in the car after. I try to be super on-my-game for everything and then when you deviate from that patient Mom, you instantly feel like a failure. Which I know I’m not. But man, oh man. Mom guilt. And I realized the switch in schools was likely more stressful for ME than it was for him, because I was trying to prepare for every single situation that could go wrong (but didn’t) and I was metaphorically clenching my fists each and every day, trying to prepare for a potential distraught child. But it hasn’t happened – other than a few tearful mornings. But I now know it’s something that is just Oscar, and he’ll grow out of it in his own time. So I’m learning to relax.
Although I know the world will throw new stuff at us as parents as we move along – hopefully we’ll continue to listen to our gut feelings and make good decisions. I know there will be tearful nights as we debate if you’re doing the right thing for your child, and family. But then you do, it’s a success and you move on.
Ah, so I’ve rambled. Back to the original style of blogging – yes? And so I sit, taking a deep breath feeling at peace for the first time in awhile. My child is happy. He’s thriving. Everyone is happy, healthy and I managed to blow dry my hair and moisturize this morning. xo